Andy Fairey 21 February 1963 – 26 April 2016
Helen Marie Fairey
The Day You Went Away – Seven Years On Andy, I don’t miss you today because it’s April 26th. I miss you today because I always do. Over the years I’ve had to open my heart wider than I ever thought I had to, to let life in again, to feel like I could breathe again, to feel warmth and laughter, to feel like my smile truly came from within, to find me again – It’s been a long hard road, but you taught me to push through, to never give up, to keep moving forward, no matter how painful or difficult that journey is. Life has kept moving, sometimes around me, sometimes through me, sometimes with me, and at times has even stood still, especially those moments when I look back and wish there was an ‘us’ again taking on the world as we always did – living every moment… Andy “With you – everything was right, life was right – I found my love of a lifetime, my happiness, and my best friend. We were an amazing team ‘You & Me’ and could conquer anything together. You wrote something in a card once that said “everyday was the beginning of the rest of our life together” and that’s what I miss so much – the story of us… the good times, the challenges, the surprises, the adventures, hugs & laughs, but most of all I miss you, your sense of humour, and that cheeky smile. In our 36 years together, wherever we went, whatever we did, or wherever the road took us – we made it unforgettable, and I count myself lucky to have been going through life with you. I’ll never forget Anzac Day 2016 when you said to me “I’ll be alright sweetheart” – you were always selfless in all you did even facing your hardest of days, were true to yourself, and showed courage and strength beyond what I believed possible – you were and always will be the best part of me, and I wouldn’t have wanted to do this trip with anyone else but you. You’ll always be on my team.” Your Angel Helen You used to say to me “Please don’t change, I love you just the way you are” – “I loved us just the way we were”. I would have been happy sitting here with you for the rest of my life. “Let’s Go” – is something you used to say to me in the days before you passed, and I wished with all my heart I could have taken you wherever you wanted to go, together – the fact I couldn’t broke my heart. More than anything I wished we could have turned a different corner, one where everything was ok again, and off we’d go, back on that road trip of life – having fun, enjoying life. Our story doesn’t end – I may not have you here beside me, but my life still has you in it, in so many other ways, and when I head on down that highway I know you’ll be with me every step of the way. You carried me in your heart all those years, and hand on my heart I’ll carry you in mine forever. So “Let’s Go” Andy – “You & Me” and see what the world can throw my way, together… P.S. It’s pretty amazing how one person can change your life in so many ways – Andy you changed mine for the better, thank you for always understanding me, supporting me, and loving me unconditionally. I just wanted to thank you for all the love and happiness I found in you. P.P.S I Love You… This photo, from 14th November 2014 – is such a special photo – was “A Fantastic Day” sailing the Whitsundays – we made so many unforgettable memories that day…
Helen Marie Fairey
> VIEW ON MEMORY TIMELINEHelen Marie Fairey
LEST WE FORGET They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun, and in the morning, We shall remember them… Anzac Day is a day that reminds me not only of our fallen heroes, but of my fallen hero, of a battle Andy lost, we lost, and of the day we spent our last moments together, when Andy said to me “I’ll be alright sweetheart”, not knowing this would be the last sunrise we got to share, or the last going down of the sun. I’ll never forget the stillness of that night, or when in the early hours of the next morning Andy took his last breath, while I held his hand, rested my head on his shoulders, told him I loved him, and kissed him one last time. That pain and intense sadness I felt when he slipped away is something that will stay with me forever, and all I wanted to do was place his hand on my heart and wish that his was still beating, and my heart has hurt every day since. This was Andy’s hardest battle, one he fought with everything he had – that is courage, and this will always be my hardest battle living with the heartbreak of not having Andy here beside me. A great friend once said to me: Be Strong, Be Brave, and know Andy will always be a part of you. Though we cannot be together, I know that I will carry Andy with me wherever I go - my hero…
Helen Marie Fairey
> VIEW ON MEMORY TIMELINEHelen Marie Fairey
Written 26th April 2019 The Day You Went Away – Three Years On Andy I’m sitting here looking out the window thinking of you and the life we shared, and how happy we were just being us. It’s hard to imagine three years have gone since we last talked, held hands, smiled at each other, laughed together, and I held you in my arms. ‘You & Me’ we were going to take on the world together, and write another chapter more amazing than the last – everyone has a story, but ours was a ‘Big One’ Andy, and it breaks my heart that life with you was cut short. I loved that we always turned the page together, chose our own destiny, and had fun figuring it out. The day you went away the world did lose its colour for me, and knowing I now have to travel through life without you, is sad; it’s a road I never expected to travel alone, and I know won’t be an easy journey, or the same without you… Losing you Andy, changed me – it broke my heart, and it broke me. Grief, I’ve come to know, is something you get up and live with every day – it’s a long and lonesome journey, and still challenges me to this day… Nothing in life prepared me for losing you Andy… nothing, and trying to navigate the emotions, the thoughts, the pain, the sadness, the emptiness, the loneliness, the fear of forgetting – your voice, a memory, a moment, the fear of not knowing where you’re going or how to get there, the not knowing how to be present in life again when your heart hurts all the time, will the sadness ever end, and I don’t know how long that will take me, to work through that. I’m always looking over my shoulder wishing I could have back the life that was “You & Me”, but I’m also looking over my shoulder remembering the journey we had, and all the amazing memories we made together. Those moments that remind me of you Andy, and of us, that trigger those emotions, or memories, and bring home thoughts of where we’d be today – make me miss you even more… Thank you for… Asking me to be your girlfriend, and then to marry you – I’ve never looked back Loving me endlessly – it showed in all you did for me Being your unique true self – there are so many amazing qualities I loved about you, and was proud of the person you were… The fun & laughter – you had an awesome sense of humour, and I so miss that cheeky smile The challenging times – they are part of our journey too, and made us even stronger Sharing in my life – life’s journey was all the better for you being in it The memories – boy we made plenty, and had fun doing it Always watching over me - making me feel safe, and happy in yours arms The beautiful letters, cards & flowers – that you spoilt me with often (the ultimate romantic) Taking the time to understand me – you understood me better than I understood myself Never giving up on me & encouraging me when I doubted myself Showing me what true strength & courage was – “Thumbs Up” I’m alright you’d always say Accepting me for me – with all my flaws, even laughing at my silly ways Being my husband, but also my best friend & showing me true deep love conquers all… The road to the future is unknown, and it does scare me not having you here beside me, and at times I do feel like I’m just floating out there, in the middle of a lake, not knowing how to get back to shore, or whether to head North, South, East or West. The fun in life was navigating those waters with you – with you beside me I felt we could navigate the stormiest of waters, and always make it back to shore. My wish for myself Andy, is to be able to open my heart up to life again, and I know in time I will. I know you would say to me, there are only so many tomorrows, so “turn that corner, head on down that highway, a new road awaits, and even if you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there & don’t look back”. I promised you I’d be ok, and I will – my strength will come from you, and my promise – you showed me how to be resilient, to never give up, and to keep showing up no matter how many times it knocks you down, or how painful, or how difficult… What this past three years has taught me, is, when what matters most in the world to you is stripped away, when the tragedy that you thought could never happen to you, happens – you will survive, you will breath in and out, you will cry most days, but you will also laugh with your family and friends, you will work, and one day I believe dream. As lost as my heart is Andy I know I need to let life in, to find that magic in life again that we had together, and I know finding that is going to be bittersweet…. I miss you most of all, but I miss me too – the old me, the smiling me, and the person I was when I was with you. One day I hope I will turn the page, and whatever that new chapter brings – in time, maybe I’ll be able to fill those pages, always remembering the story that was ‘You & Me’ – we wrote a hell of a chapter Andy… It doesn’t mean I still won’t have tough days, and tough moments, because I will… I’m always going to feel the pain of losing you, but I would rather have that pain no matter what it costs me, knowing we lived and loved, and shared a life worth remembering... ‘You & Me’ have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead – timeless and infinite. Do you remember when we replaced my engagement ring that was taken, and you took me to the same place you bought my first engagement ring 30 years earlier, and told me to pick whichever one I liked – the one I chose, which was beautiful, I chose because it had the best meaning – it was a trilogy ring, which meant ‘Past, Present, & Future’, and it couldn’t have been more perfect, along with that moment – I found a love that will always have a place in my heart, that no one else could have. When they say grief is the price we pay for deep, wonderful love, and it may never fully go away – I know that because the love I have for you Andy doesn’t have an expiration date, and I feel your loss every day. This photo, from 16th May 2015, is another that means everything to me, it was taken at Ayres Rock, which was always going to be our final destination, and the doorway to heading home… a “Mega” ending to our “Big Lap” around Australia – we had the most amazing time visiting the rock, and were happy to be heading home to start our next chapter… sadly our world came crashing down around us, and we tried as best we could to never let it break our spirit, to stay positive, as unscheduled as cancer was… I was so very proud of you Andy, of how stoic you were with all you endured, together with your strength and resilience, which was not only amazing for me to see, but I know the Doctors all said the same, and that is something I’ll never forget… If you had a day you were going to have that day, and you never gave up on tomorrow… P.S. I hope you don’t mind if I love you forever Andy P.P.S. I Love You
